I walked into the diner and I scanned the crowd wondering where to sit. I spotted the faux red leather booth, a little jarred that a large, burly, trucker-of-a-man sat opposite the booth I chose.  I asked the waitress for a high chair and began unpacking my large backpack, full of diapers, formula, snacks and toys for my 8-month-old son. As I unpacked, I kept my eye on the man sitting across from us. I noticed his dirty sweatpants, his large belly touching the booth table, his long white beard, and bitten fingernails. He was casually reading the paper and slurping coffee.

As I put my son in the high chair, the man looked over. He scanned my son, eyeing his little body up and down. My son waved his arms in the air and presented the man with a huge smile, showing off his newly acquired two bottom teeth. I continued to keep myself busy trying not to show any sort of engagement with this rough-looking person. I could feel the man looking over at us and I began to squirm a bit. Why was he looking at us? I was there by myself, waiting for my husband to finish a doctor’s appointment down the street. I was sitting in a dive diner with my 8-month-old son feeling incredibly vulnerable.

And then… I heard a chuckle. I looked over and the dirty, burly, large man was returning the smile to my son. He, too, was showing off his grin and his 5 broken teeth. I exhaled. My son was entertaining this stranger. He transformed a man, who I had already created a story about, into a carefree human being, laughing and playing peek-a-boo with an 8 month old. My son and this man continued their games of laughter and baby introductions.

He’s a big boy. Look’s like he’s gonna be a hockey player.

I smiled and and responded, “Yah, maybe!” As I said that, I scolded myself.

In the short 8 months that I have known my son I have come to realize that there is no place for judgment and yet I continue to judge. I believed I was protecting my son by creating an invisible fence around our booth. I was protecting him from the stranger sitting across from us. The stranger who I had already created a story about, it went something like this:

He probably lived in a run down home, maybe a hoarder, lonely, scary, yelled at small children as they walked in front of his home laughing on their scooters. He was definitely a smoker, maybe even a drinker. He was a truck driver and picked up hitchhikers along his routes, probably no, most likely, scaring them as well.

I had created this story in the span of one minute, and yet in the span of that one-minute my 8-month-old son had done the opposite. He didn’t create a story. He simply smiled at someone who was sitting across from him. He held no judgment. In fact, he doesn’t even know what the word judge means.

In other news we had an awesome time in Prince Edward Island with Mom (CiCi) and Dad (Pops), as well as all the fabulous PEI family. Ryder was a little celebrity and had frequent visitors throughout the day. He soaked it all up… I think he might be in a bit of shock without all of his fans around now. We were lucky to spend one full month at the cottage, which is rare when I am working and have a limited number of vacation days. Definitely grateful for a full year of maternity leave.

Ryder chilling at the cottage

In other travel news, we head to Australia in 7 weeks. YES. 7. WEEKS!

I have always had a terrible time with guilt.  I feel bad or guilty for doing something or not doing something and as a new mother it seems to have escalated. I feel guilty if I put Ryder in his Fisher Price swing vs holding him constantly, or for deciding to go for a walk to get him to sleep vs rocking him to sleep, going to pilates class vs hanging out with my little family in the evening…. you name it, I feel guilty about it.

I was violently ill before I left PEI last week. I had a terrible stomach flu which meant I vomited A TON and became extremely dehydrated. Because we weren’t sure what the cause of my illness was we decided I should pump and dump my breast milk and use only formula for Ryder. Since last Friday my milk supply has been extremely low. I called the BC Health Nurse line yesterday and explained the situation. This was the response,

“First off, YOU SHOULD NOT have dumped the breast milk. You should have continued to use it.”

“Oh, Okay, well I wasn’t aware of that.”

“Well, that is in the past so you can’t change anything…. and you shouldn’t use formula, you should use only breast milk.”

She then told me to continue to pump and breast feed as much as possible, which was great advice. However, after hanging up the phone I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. The phrase “that is in the past, you can’t change that now” repeated through my mind.

Am I an awful mother for supplementing with formula?

Will Ryder grow a third arm because my milk supply is low?

Am I selfish for not drinking enough while I was sick?

Will my milk ever come back again?

I know the response to all of these questions is a resounding NO. Deep down I know my son is gaining weight, he giggles all of the time, he is growing, he is happy, and most importantly he is LOVED!

During the moments I feel guilty, those truths need to be my mantra.

Knowing that things were possibly imminent was a mixed blessing. I was excited, tremendously excited, about the possibility of meeting Peanut for the first time. I was ready. After 24 hours, I grew anxious. I started to wonder if this was going to happen, why were the feelings of cramps and pre labour systems subsiding? I was walking, eating, resting, going to yoga- doing all the “required activity” of someone in pre labour looking to get into the next phase of delivery. I grew more and more frustrated and as a result felt like I had to go into hiding.

I can’t stand unnecessary drama and that is what it felt like. Last Thursday the doctor told me to stop work, so I did. However, it felt manic and rushed. I had to tell my work colleagues over email, send rush notices to Payroll and HR, and make sure that the last touches on some projects were taken care of for my replacement. This anxious rush resulted in what felt like unnecessary drama, and by Monday I was a wreck. Wondering, “What will people at work think? Will they think I left early because I was flaking out?”

Fortunately, one week later, I now realize that my body was craving rest. Despite cramps and soreness, I have slept incredibly well. As Jeff said to me on the weekend, “it’s like your body is thanking you for taking off work early”. So true. I nap, rest, read, go for walks, go to yoga, nap some more, and don’t panic if I don’t sleep through the night. I needed this downtime, this period of relaxation and rest. And who knows, maybe Peanut needed it too? The chance to just hang out with me, one-to-one, and to rest a bit before the big day.

For now, we are going to let nature take its course and hopefully stay out of that anxious-are-we-there-yet (!) mindset.

Cutest little bootie made by Aunt Emily

My lovely sister.

I won’t go into the details of Botanical Beach, if you are interested you can check out the Provincial Park page, located here.

Although it was slightly overcast and a bit crisp, we really loved exploring the long beach, its tide pools and naturally Emily loved commenting on the intertidal life- once again, common knowledge. While she was gasping at the amazing biological life, I was thinking “hmm… I wonder if this is what surfaces of the moon look like”. Be honest people, you would be thinking the SAME thing if you were there. Many of the tidal pools look like small craters scattered across the beach. Even though there were other visitors checking out the tidal pools, the vastness of the beach made it feel like you were on a solo adventure.

As Emily said “I think this would be a great trip for Aunt Em to take Peanut on when he/she is a bit older”. I couldn’t agree more.

Thankfully, on Thursday when we went for the ultrasound everything was A-OKAY. Peanut is doing well and so am I. Immediately after the appointment I said to Jeff “I am so grateful… and now I am ready to sleep”. I realized that I had put so much energy into worrying about the worst case scenario that I was exhausted, mentally and physically. My body and mind wanted rehab. It’s been awhile since I have had that feeling of a weight being lifted off my shoulders, and on Thursday it was like I could physically feel the transformation. The air of relief and the ability to think of something OTHER than myself… it felt great.

Anyways, that is why last week I was MIA on the blog.

On a happier note :)… I thought I would share our baby room project. Jeff and I love quotes, specifically empowering and inspirational ones. For Peanut’s room we decided we would ask some friends and family to send us a quote that they hoped to instill in Peanut’s brain. Something that would be uplifting and perhaps guide the little one through their early years. We then took the quotes and Jeff created beautiful pieces of art with them. We got them printed at Staples and I bought frames at the Dollar Store… and voila, the collage was born!

I received the following call from her at the airport bookstore (she is on her way to Calgary for the weekend):

Emily: Hey, they have “50 Shades of Grey” here at the Airport bookstore. Want me to buy it so I can read it and pass it on to you?

Me: How much?

Emily: $17.

Me: I can get it on Amazon for $9.

Emily: Okay, do that. Amanda… you do know this is called EROTIC literature.

Me: Yah that is what I told you.

Emily: No, you said it was “racey”.

Me: Erotic, racey… same difference. If you buy it and read it on the airplane, take note that people will know about that book.

Emily: Really? That many people know about “50 Shades of Grey”?

Me: Yes. Common knowledge.

To tell Emily that this is common knowledge gives me the utmost satisfaction. She loves to let me know when she believes that what I don’t know, is in fact “common knowledge”.

Although this is typically the way the phrase common knowledge comes into play with her:

Me: What is a Ticonderoga pencil?

Emily: Amanda… common knowledge.

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Me: How did you know that the name of that fish? (at the San Fran Academy of Sciences)

Emily: Common knowledge.

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Me: I need to add another ball of yarn to my project, I’m going to YouTube it.

Emily: YouTube? It’s common knowledge.

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Emily: I saw the cutest Catalburun today on my run.

Me: A what? Catalll…?

Emily: It’s a rare dog breed. Common knowledge, Amanda.

So, as I mentioned we have the 7 week old trip, the 4-5 month old trip, and then a potential spring trip to Florida planned all before the kid is 1 year old. As I said to Emily “Got Milk? Will travel”.

When I started to tell people that I was taking a wee one on the plane and not just within a country, but around the world, I got some looks of horror and some exhaled laughs. A lot of comments have also been positive, politely reassuring Jeff and I that the pre-walking stage is the best time to travel with a young one and that sure a 15 hour flight journey from Vancouver to Sydney is completely do-able with a 4-5 month old… oh, and a guy who will have just come off an Ironman course.

So naturally I got to searching the internet. I mean I can’t be the only person out there thinking of doing some insane yet exhilarating activities with my little one? And I am not.

I came across an amazing woman and her family. She writes for Outside Magazine and she has done some amazing stuff with her young ones, from white water rafting at 10 months to multi day camping trips. I am completely in awe of this woman, Katie Arnold. What I love about her articles is that she writes about other Moms and Dads who have done exactly the same. Taken their children out into the wild yonder to start the sense of adventure at a young age.

From here I also came across the awesome women of the book “Run Like a Mother”.  Dimity and Shea write about how to make the time for running in their hectic lives, where they try to balance work-life-coffee dates-friend time-family time- husband time- running etc. What I love about them is that they freely admit, it ain’t easy sweetie, but sometimes you have to do what you need to do that is RIGHT for you.

I know I should probably be reading about how to breast feed, sleeping patterns, how to actually get this kid out of my tummy and into my arms; but right now I am loving the article reads about inspiring moms and dads who get out into the world with their kids.